In our difficult time, many things are still inexplicable, and if we are faced with difficulties, we are quite ready to believe in anything that helps.
Psychologists consider one of the most incredible relationships to be the mutual communication of mother and child, and life shows that the power of maternal love can work wonders, challenging your happiness even in fatal situations.
Olga Valyaeva says:
“When we were just starting the fight for our eldest son, one psychiatrist, in addition to everything very strange and not useful, gave us a huge gift. He spoke about one experiment that was carried out somewhere in England (I can be mistaken since everything is from his words). Mothers of sick children performed a simple ritual every night.
After the child fell asleep, they waited for the active phase of sleep, which occurred about fifteen minutes later. And then they said simple words to the child:
“I love you. I’m proud of you. I am very glad that you are my son. You are the best son for me.”
The text is about the same for everyone.
And they compared these children with others, some with similar diagnoses but whose mothers did not whisper anything to them at night. Babies who received their mother’s nightly declarations of love recovered much faster. That’s maternal magic.
We started implementing it almost immediately. Much easier—it’s free, unlike most therapies. I initially said what was supposed to be said according to the script. Then she began to improvise. Five years have passed, and I still whisper different words to my boys, to each of them, almost every night.
It is difficult for me to talk about specific results, but Danya no longer has autism. And I’m sure my whispers played their part. But still, there is something that it gives me and the children. This is important to understand – magic works both ways! Both mother and child receive something very important. Everyone has their own “Something Important.”
What does it give?
♥ A feeling of closeness with each of the children.
It’s an incomparable feeling. No matter how old they are, at the moment of sleep they look like little angels. During the day, it is not so easy to hug or hold them in your arms – they already have so many things to do! And at night I hug each of them, I talk about what is important for both of us. And I can feel our intimacy growing and strengthening.
♥ Individual time for everyone.
In the flow of days, I cannot always give everyone personal time. Most of the time we are all together as a team. We play, talk, eat – all together. But at this moment, each of them is special. Because I say different things to everyone. Based on what you now want and need to say to this particular baby.
♥ I can say something important that may not be heard during the day.
Days are different. Sometimes, from the abundance of information or sweets, babies may not behave very well, and this complicates our communication. But when I whisper in their ear at night how much I love them, all this remains in the past. Quarrels, misunderstandings, resentment, etc.
♥ The child feels love.
Once I read that a child should often say a phrase of this kind: “Do you know that if you could choose, then of all the children in the world, we would choose you.” When I first said this to Matvey, he was delighted and surprised at the same time. He walked and repeated, “What, really me?”
So I realized that it is very important for children to feel that they are special, that they are important and needed, just the way they are.
Now this phrase, along with “Did I tell you today that I love you?” firmly established in our lives. Moreover, Matvey – since he is the most talkative so far – always says in response that he would have chosen us as parents and would definitely have chosen his brothers.
♥ I always say important phrases.
In constellation therapy, there is such a thing as “permissive phrases” – phrases that we say during constellation, and they change people’s attitude, heal their souls. Words are usually simple – about love, acceptance, regret
So I found that if you say important phrases to your children at night, then many problems are solved by themselves. For example, with the hierarchy in the family. What phrases are there and what do I usually say:
♥ “I am your mother and you are my son.”
This phrase helps if you do not feel a connection with the child, namely a spiritual connection. And also if your hierarchy is broken – and it is not clear who is whose mother.
♥ “I’m big and you’re small.”
This phrase is again about hierarchy. And besides, it helps to grow up in relationships with children. Children are very relaxed when mom becomes an adult, finally.
♥ “You are the best son for me.”
Here you can add another order of the child. After all, for example, I have not one son – but three. And each of them is good in its place.
♥ “You are exactly the son we need.”
This helps the child to feel his value, his “goodness”. I especially recommend the phrase to those who constantly compare their child with others – not in his favor.
♥ “You don’t have to do anything for me,
I love you for who you are.”
Many will be outraged. But the phrase is not that you can not wash the dishes. But rather about the fact that for my sake you do not have to carry generic dynamics.
♥ “I’m very glad that you exist.”
It especially helps those for whom the child was not very desirable.
♥ “I’m glad you’re a boy.”
If, for example, you wanted a girl and could not accept the gender of your child for a long time.
♥ “Dad and I love you very much, you are our son”
The key word here is “our”. It helps if you have a tendency for children to pull, pull, and divide.
♥ “You’re just like your dad”,
“Your dad is the best dad for you”
If you have a conflict with the father of the child, if he does not raise the baby or you are in a quarrel. But even for those parents who are together, the phrase is useful. If the mother does not accept the father and does not allow him to actively engage in the child.
♥ “I’m sorry.”
The phrase is suitable if during the day you had a fight, there was no understanding, punished, broke down. Do not beg for forgiveness – it breaks the hierarchy. But to apologize – and say that you are very sorry, is worth it.
♥ “I’m proud of you.”
It helps especially when you are trying to make a child what he is not – and who he may never be. It also helps for those children who are very different from others – special, for example.
♥ “I love you.”
Three magic words for everything. If this feeling is invested in them. That is, if you do not automatically pronounce some syllables and letters, but exhale a declaration of love with all your heart.